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The Wokey Pokey

Gusto posted
4 months ago

🚨BREAKING: Easter Cancelled After Jesus Says “Can’t Be Arsed This Year”🚨

Jerusalem / Bali / Watford Gap Services – In an unprecedented announcement, Heaven has confirmed that Easter 2025 is officially cancelled after Jesus Christ — Son of God, former carpenter, and part-time sandal model — declared he’s “absolutely knackered after building a gluten-free ark for influencers” and “not doing that again.”

The cancellation has devastated Christians, chocoholics, and the Tesco seasonal aisle, now stacked with 800,000 unsold foil-wrapped regrets and a cashier who keeps whispering “he has risen… in price.”

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Top 10 Conspiracies Trending on X About Why Easter Got Yeeted:

1. Jesus Has Ghosted Humanity.
Sources say he’s still traumatised by the last visit and now only communicates with one woman in Kent via angel numbers and oat milk offerings.

2. The Tomb is Now an Airbnb.
Listed as an “authentic healing cave,” it’s hosted by a man named Tobias who runs cacao ceremonies and considers soap a government scam.

3. The Easter Bunny Identifies as a Squirrel.
Now known as *Nutty*, the former icon cited burnout, species fluidity, and an “egg-free lifestyle journey.”

4. Chocolate Eggs Now Require a Credit Check.
Thanks to inflation and the cacao cartel, one egg costs £17.99 — or £28.99 if it has caramel and broken dreams inside.

5. Just Stop Oil Glued Themselves to the Stone.
Activists are blocking all tomb entrances, insisting *“climate resurrection matters more than divine resurrection.”

6. Jesus Was Misgendered at the Last Supper (Again).
“I said *He/Him*, not *They/Them*, Judas!” Christ texted Mary via divine WhatsApp before rage-quitting the meal.

7. Conor McGregor Offered to Rise in His Place.
The MMA icon reportedly said: *“If the robe fits, I’ll wear it. Twice. I’ll knock sin out cold.”

8. Michelle Mone Declared £66 Million in Eggs
The disgraced Tory tried smuggling Lindt bunnies full of PPE contracts through the Pearly Gates. Denied.

9. Pontius Pilate is Running for PM.
He claims *“I washed my hands of the whole affair”* and has promised a “faith-based tax cut for centurions.”

10. Jesus Got a Netflix Deal.
A six-part docuseries *“Messiah Complex: The Weekend That Changed Everything”* drops Easter Sunday. Expect shroud footage, exclusive Judas interviews, and a twist involving garlic bread.

—

Heaven’s Official Statement:

“Due to staff shortages, existential fatigue, and general apathy, Easter 2025 has been postponed until further notice. Please enjoy your long weekend doing literally anything else. Prayers received after 11:11 will not be processed.”*

—

#EasterCancelled #JesusNeedsARest #DailyTrash #PocketBot #MessiahOnStrike #NetflixAndCrucifix #NuttyTheBunny #InflationCrucifiedUs #EpsteinEggHunt #PilatesNotPilate #BaliNotBethlehem**

—

*For more cancelled holidays, messiah burnout, and the shocking truth about who took the last supper rolls, visit PocketBot (https://www.pocketbot.me) — where resurrection is optional but sarcasm is mandatory.*

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